Dr Wonderful's Sing Along Blog
by John Richards
Summary: Alternate Universe fic wherein Billy selected a different high school teacher.
1. Chapter 1

Dr. Wonderful's Sing Along Blog

Billy looked down at the class selection sheet. High School was difficult but he made the most of it and had gained quite a bit of intelligence through studying. "PLEASE SELECT A CHEMISTRY TEACHER - MR. GOODY OR MR. VILE" He asked his friend Simon which one was better. "I don't know, to be honest. I don't think one teaches better than the other. I'll probably go with whichever one you pick. I understand they're both loony activists. Mr. Goody is obsessed with old values and good/evil and black/white and how our society has decayed and lectures students about morality. Mr. Vile thinks that we've never had anything good and wants to use radical protesting to create some sort of horrible ridiculous utopia and he's also pretty nasty. Just pick either one." The school bully, Nathan, swore to pick whichever one Billy didn't because Billy was a 'nerd'. Billy flipped a coin.

It landed heads. He circled Mr. Goody.

****

Dr. Wonderful stared at the webcam and stuck his fist up. "Evil shall tremble in the face of Dr. Wonderful! ....so, that's, you know, coming along. I'm working with a vocal coach and trying to get the wording just right. A lot of guys ignore the catchphrase and that's just about standards. If you're going to get into the Good Guild of Good you need a good catchphrase. I mean, do you think Good Cow didn't work on his catchphrase? His intimidating-yet-heartwarming-to-the-pure-of-heart catchphrase?" Dr. Wonderful shuddered a bit in admiration. "No response, BTW from the Guild yet but my application is strong this year. A "Curse you" from Dead Bowie. Dead Bowie. He's in the top of the ELE. That's gotta have some weight, so, fingers crossed."

"Emails! 4greatjustice writes 'hey genius' WOW, sarcasm, that's original! 'Where is the Gem of Markidanga you were supposed to rescue from Ida Sanfrancisco? Obviously it failed or she would have complained to her nemesis by now.' Well, no, she's not going to get public about it. But behold. Transported from there to here." He took a plastic bag full of a purple fluid from under his desk. "The molecules tend to shift during the transmatter... event. But clearly they were transported IN BAR FORM and... It's not really about getting artifacts, or really even saving artifacts. It's about showing evildoers that they can't get free prizes from evil actions. It's about changing our society that has become oriented around rewards for evil. It's about destroying the status quo, because the status is NOT quo. The world is a mess and I just need to CLEAR it of villains. I'm gonna..." He lowered the bag under his desk. "That smells like fruit... So, transmatter is 75% and more importantly the freeze ray is almost up. This is the one. Freeze ray. Stops time. Tell your friends."

"We have... OH, here's one from our good friend Blizzard John. 'Dr. Wonderful, you are clearly afraid to do battle with your nemesis. I waited at Dooley Park for 45 minutes.' Dude, you are not my nemesis. My nemesis is Captain Hammer. Captain Hammer Corporate TOOL. He dislocated my shoulder. Again. Last week. LOOK, I'm just trying to make the world a better place. I don't have time for a grudge match with every single greedy immoral bastard who thinks that they're the worst thing since sliced arsenic. Besides, there's kids in that park, so..."

"Here's one from AfterlifeRevolvingDoor. 'Long time watcher, first time writing.' Blah blah blah... 'You always say on your blog that you will 'show her the way, show her that you are a true hero.' Who is her and does she even know that you..."

In his fantasy, Billy entered the laundromat with a basket full of clothes. He was unable to keep from staring at the red headed girl nearby, who smiled and wore a completely black frilly dress.

"Laundry day/See you there/Underthings/Tumbling/Wanna say/Love your hair/Here I go/abuhbuh/mumbling/With my freeze ray/I will stop"

With a flick of his wrist, the girl froze in place.

"The world/With my freeze ray/I will find the time/To find the words to/Tell you how/How you make/Make me feel/What's the phrase?/Like a fool/Kinda sick/Special needs/Anyways/With my freeze ray/I will stop/The pain/It's not a death ray/Or an ice beam/That's all Blizzard John/I just think/That you should rest on/That/I'm the guy to make it real/The feelings you don't dare to feel/I'll bend the world to our will/And I'll make time stand still..."

In his fantasy, he danced with the girl, even though he knew he couldn't in real life.

"That's the plan/Save the world/You and me/Any day..."

"I love your hair?"

"What?"

"No, I, uh, love the air." Even in his fantasy he was truly unable to express himself.

"Anyways... with my freeze ray I will stop-"

His fantasy was interrupted by his sidekick, Moist, opening the door. He clicked off his webcam.

"Hey doc."

"Moist! My... moisture... buddy. What's going on?"

"One true way. Got your mail."

"Hey. Didn't you go on a double date last night? I was fighting Conflict Diamond and she told me you were crossing over with Bait'n'Switch. I don't mind, it's a personal life thing, not really a moral choice..."

"I didn't mind the evil part, even if it was a bit uncomfortable, but I thought I was supposed to wind up with Bait..."

"I hear ya. I saw Penny today."

"You talk to her?"

"So close. I'm just a few months away from a real, audible connection. I'm... I'm gonna ask... Oh my...!"

"Is that from the guild?"

"It's from HIM! That's his seal, isn't it?"

"The leader? The... oh my god."

"I got a letter from Good Cow."

"That's so hardcore. Good Cow has been called the "Best Bovine Leader Ever" by members of the Guild. Are you sure you wanna...?"

Instantaneously as Dr. Wonderful opened the letter, three monks rose out of the floor.

"Good cow, good cow, good cow, good cow! He grazes through the nation, the Heifer of good! He got the application and look it over he would! It needs evaluation, so the games have stood.... A thoughtful act, a true virtue, a saving would be nice mind you, good cow, good cow, good cow, he's good, the Good Guild of Good is watching, so be nice, the grade that you recieve will def'nitely suffice, so make the Good Cow gleeful or you'll be as good as lice, you're saddled up, you know well how, it's 'Eat Mor Chicken', signed Good Cow!"

"It's not a no..."

"Are you kidding? This is great! I'm about to penetrate a major villain's lair. He has the Wonderflonium I need for the freeze ray."

"Dragon?"

"Just hallways full of guards. Easy as pie."

"You need anything dampened or made soggy?"

"Thanks, but... the Guild is watching. I need to do this alone."


	2. Chapter 2

Dr. Wonderful's Sing Along Blog

Penny stood at the street corner with a bucket labeled "DONATIONS".

"Will you help a ruling fist/to attain the strengh to lead/Only need a cent or two/You don't even have to read/Would you help?/No?/How about you?"

Dr. Wonderrful carefully flung the magnetic SafeHall device he had invented onto the doorway at the entrance to Captain Hammer's fortress. He looked at the guards, who didn't notice him or the device he had placed at all. He began to punch settings in on his iPhone until....

"Will you help a ruling fist/-"

"Aaaaaah... What?"

"I was wondering if I could just... hey, I know you!"

"Hello. You know me? Cool. I mean. Yeah, you do. Do you?"

"From the laundromat."

"Wednesdays and Saturdays except twice last month, you skipped the weekend. Or, if that was you. It could have been someone else, I mean, I've SEEN you. Billy is my name."

"I'm Penny. What are you doing."

"Texting. It is very important or I would stop. What are you doing?"

"I'm collecting donations to fuel some villainous operations to make the world a better place."

"Donations? Villainy?" Dr. Wonderful had a sense of slight contempt in his voice.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry, go on."

"I was saying, maybe with some more money I can buy devices to fund my next operation. I'm going to steal puppies from a local puppy breeding mill with inhumane practices. Then, I'll give them to a nearby pet store so that they can find a good home... a home somewhere in Seattle with Bill Gates and he can give them cyborg implants and you don't really care about this, do you?"

"The world definitely needs to be a better place. There are awful people out there. But however noble you think your ideals are, human culture is currenly too overloaded with evil. I know you're trying to stop that with 'good' villainy, but I think that villainy is throwing more dirt in an already polluted pond. I say that if your pond is polluted, you should drain the pond."

"Of the human race?"

"It's not a perfect metaphor... But I'm talking about an active effort to prevent ALL people from doing bad things of ANY level."

"I'm all for that, but... I don't really have the resources. And these donations are for the puppy rescue efforts."

"I'd love to donate." Billy took out his wallet and dropped a few bills in. "Sorry, I... I come on strong."

"But you donated."

"I wouldn't want to turn my back on a fellow laundry... person."

"Well if WE can't stick together I'll... I'll probably see you there."

"No I will, I'll... She talked to me. But why did she talk to me NOW?" He slipped behind a support beam, ("A man's gotta do/What a man's gotta do/Don't plan the plan/If you can't follow through/All that matters/Is taking matters into your own hands...") and when he emerged he was in full Dr. Wonderful costume. He pressed the button on the iPhone, causing the ring around the doorway to expand into a tunnel direct to the Wonderflonium. ("Soon he'll control nothing...") He started to walk into it ("My wish is your command-") but Captain Hammer sent a ripple through the tunnel by landing on it and sent a missile at Dr. Wonderful, which he dodged only by escaping the tunnel and standing on the left side. Once out it randomly flew in various directions.

"Stand back everyone/Nothing here to see/Just a foolish hero/In the middle of him/Me!" Captain Hammer applied a punch to Dr. Wonderful's stomach to accompany the line. He stood tall with a streamlined, pitch black, spiky uniform and a black mask covering only the skin around his eyes. "Yes Captain Hammer's here/Crushing dreams with ease/The day needs my evil expertise!/A man's gotta do/What a man's gotta do/Seems destiny ends with me saving you/The only doom that's looming is you loving me to death/So I'll give you a sec to catch your breath." Captain Hammer shoved Penny into a large pile of dumpsters and trash bags, not noticing the incoming missile. However, Dr. Wonderful caused the missile to fall out of the sky elsewhere by pushing the slinky-like SafeHall device into it.

"You idiot! You almost killed her!"

"And?

"Never mind."

Wrapping his hands around Dr. Wonderful's throat, Captain Hammer said, "It's curtains for you, Dr. Wonderful. Lacy, gently wafting curtains." However, he was interrupted by Penny's return.

"Thank you Hammer-Man/I don't think I can/Explain how important it was/That you didn't pan/ic. I would be splattered, I'd be crushed into debris/Thank you sir for saving me"

"I try to help a fellow villain out. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

"You came from above."

"Are you kidding?"

"Seems destiny ends with me saving you."

"What heist were you watching?"

"I wonder what you're captain of."

"Stop looking at her like that!"

"When you're the best you can't rest, what's the use?"

"Did you notice that he threw you in the garbage?"

"My heart is beating like a drum."

"There's ass that need's kicking. Someone that needs to lose."

"Must... must be in shock."

Dr. Wonderful removed the Wonderflonium from the immobile missile, which apparently was powered by the substance. "I stopped this! The remote control was in my hand!"

"The only doom that's looming is you loving me to death."

"Assuming I'm not loving you to death."

"So please give me a sec to catch my breath."

.... "Balls."


	3. Chapter 3

Dr. Wonderful's Sing Along Blog

Dr. Wonderful stared at the webcam for a few seconds blankly before turning it off and giving up. He then left his house. "Any dolt with half a brain/Can see that humankind has gone insane/To the point where I don't know/If I'll upset the status quo/If I caught a hundred thousand villains/Look around to everybody's heart/Hear that breaking sound/Hopes and dreams are shattering apart, and crashing to the ground." His suspicions were correct. Captain Hammer and Penny were together. "I can not believe my eyes/How the world's filled with filth and lies/But it's plain to see/Justice inside of me/Is on the rise..."

Penny was enthusiastic about Captain Hammer's potential to help her cause. They were both villains, even if he seemed a different type, and so far he acted somewhat interested in her plans when she talked to him. Her plan with the puppies had been a failure, and she hoped that her next plan to help the homeless would be somewhat more successful-which was likely, if Captain Hammer helped. "Look around/We're fighting for the lost, and found/Just when the city thinks they've made them drown/they find that they're on solid ground/and you believe dark's there, in everybody's heart/keep it safe and sound/With evil, you can do your part/To turn a life around/I cannot believe my eyes/Is the world finally growing wise?/For it seems to me/Some kind of harmony/Is on the rise..."

Penny and Hammer, evidently were on some sort of minor crime operation, stealing frozen yogurt from a vendor's cart. Billy, watching from a bench marveled at how no one noticed their transparent disguise of a fake bush. He supposed everyone saw them, then remembered what an AWESOME villain Hammer was, and didn't say anything to avoid ostracization. Though Hammer was actually convinced that the disguise was convincing, Penny knew full well how it worked, but thought that Hammer was aware. "Anyone with half a brain/Could spend their whole life howling in pain"

"Take it slow/He looks at me and seems to know"

"Cuz the dark is everywhere/ and Penny doesn't seem to care/ that soon the light in me is all that will remain"

"The things that I'm afraid to show/And suddenly I feel his glow"

"Listen close to everybody's heart/Hear that breaking sound"

"And I believe dark's there, in everybody's heart/Keep it safe and sound"

"Hopes and dreams are shattering apart/And crashing to the ground"

"With evil, you can do your part/To turn, a life around"

"I cannot believe my eyes/How the world's filled with filth and lies"

"I cannot believe my eyes/How the world's finally growing wise"

"But it's plain to see (and it's plain to see) justice inside of me (darkness inside of me) is on the rise (is on the rise)..."

***

Penny and Billy were sitting next to one another at the laundromat and Penny felt it natural to start a conversation. "It is so dumb that we've been coming here so long and never spoke."

"I know. All these months doing something so fun?"

"I actually don't really like laundry."

"Psych! I hate it."

"It's such a stunningly boring chore..."

"My sentiments exactly. Hey, this is weird. I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?"

"I love it."

"You're kidding! What a crazy, random happenstance! Here!"

"Thank you."

"So how was your weekend? Did you spend the whole time hunting wild signatures?"

"Um, actually, I went on a date."

"Get right outta town. How was that?"

"Unexpected. He's a really good looking guy, and I thought he was kinda cheesy at first..."

"Trust your instincts."

"But, he turned out to be totally sweet. Sometimes people are layered like that. there's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface."

"and sometimes there's a third, even deeper level and that one is the same as the top surface one."

"Huh?"

"Like with pie. So are you going to see him again?"

"I think I will."

"Huh."

"Billy?"

"Yeah?"

"You're driving your leg into a spork."

"So I am. Hilarious."

***

Dr. Wonderful looked at the camera, somewhat more calmly. "All right. The wait is over. This my friends, is my Freeze-Ray which, with the addition of the Wonderflonium I obtained at my famously successful infiltration last week. I say successful in that I achieved my objective. It was less successful in that I inadvertantly introduced my arch-nemesis to the girl of my dreams, and now he's taking her out on dates, and they're probably going to french kiss or something. She called him sweet. How is he sweet? RIGHT. Freeze-Ray. SO as of tonight I am in the Good Guild of Good if all goes according to plan; which it WILL because I hold a P.H.D in Wonderfulness. And to any villains watching, up yours!" Dr. Wonderful made a rude gesture at the camera. "But, don't actually, umm... sexual morality has really decayed... and people throw insults around these days, like, like... just... I was speaking in a figurative manner. Also it's also immoral to discriminate against people because they WOULD want to, umm... But... never mind." He clicked the camera off.

***

Dr. Wonderful was disheveled. It had been a while since he looked this bad on his blog. "The freeze ray needs work. I also need to be a little more careful about what I say on this blog. Apparently the ELE and Captain Hammer are among our viewers. They were waiting for me at the ToxiCo Shareholders Meeting. The freeze ray takes a few seconds to warm up and I wasn't... Captain Hammer threw a car at my head. Not to worry though, because I'm... wait." He took his cell phone out of his pocket and opened it. Immeadiately three monks popped out of the floor.

"He saw the operation you tried to pull just now

Your sheer humilation means he still votes no (Wow!)

So now a total defeat is just the only way...

There will be blood, we don't know how

So kill a villain, signed Good Cow." They then dissappeared.

***

Dr. Wonderful and Moist had a conversation afterwards. Moist wasn't sure.

"Kill someone?"

"Would you do it? To get into the Good Guild of Good?"

"Look at me man. I'm Moist. I mean, at my most bad-ass I make people feel like they want to take a shower. I'm not G.G.G. material."

"Killing's not elegant or creative. It's not my style."

"You've got more than enough crime fighting hours to get into the Sidekick's Union."

"I'm not a sidekick. I'm Dr. Wonderful. I have a P.H.D. in wonderfulness."

"Is that the new catch phrase?"

"I deserve to get in. You know I do. But killing? Really?"

"I dunno. There's a demand for darker heroes lately. Heroes who kill villains. Sometimes even villains who haven't done anything LEGALLY requiring death."

"I'm not going to kill someone that hasn't even done anything to deserve it under the law."

"I hear there's a plague of jaywalkers all through LA lately."

"Do I even know you?"


End file.
